Indian Functions, never be too serious or nervous

During my four months here I've come to participate in numerous functions and other festivities. It is always as disorganised as ever and you can always count on that half of the audience won't even have the smallest clue about what's going on on the scene. The speakers will be too loud or too quiet, people will speak either too close to the mic or too far from it. The children will be inpatient and loud, but still forced to sit there the whole two or three hours the program is going on.

For foreign guests it is actually quite nice. You will be honoured without any reason, because in Hinduism “guests are like gods”. You will have to sit in front of the audience, so that everyone can watch you and your extremely rare and interesting pale face and fair skin. And also your funny clothes and bored expressions of course. Almost every time around 99% of the long and boring speeches will be held in the local language, so you won't understand a word. However, to compensate this you will be given flowers and small gifts all the time, the audience giving massive applauses and incredible noise every time you stand up from you honoured seat.

Everyone who wants to participate (and even those who don't want to) can (have to) participate in the program. People who can't sing are singing, people who can't dance are dancing and people who can't talk in front of other people are making speeches. That's just the way it is. And since you are an honoured guest and a foreigner everyone is interested even in your performances (which they've never mentioned to YOU in advance). So you might have to show some “western” dance moves, give your comment on the program which you hadn't understood a word of or just simply make a nice instant speech. Never be embarrassed or shy. There is no reason and it doesn't help you in the current situation when you are forced to stand in front of the mic and speak to all those unknown and curiously staring people.

In fact, you should take everything out of these nice opportunities. When will you ever again be given such an extraordinary opportunity to waste your words on nothing, speaking as many empty formal words as you like? No one is there to criticize you or judge you, everyone will only be delighted of every word you say even if they don't even understand a word. And you can always count on that the majority of the audience won't understand a word of what you are saying. So once again, take everything out of it! Have some humour and make the most formal speech ever, thanking everyone from cook to principal to the neighbour hood dog. It is your opportunity to shine even once in your life. Don't waste it!